Special Needs Births

When I say "special needs", I'm not talking about a physical or mental disability.  It is a disability of trust.

Dads can feel that they'll be too queasy to make it through a birth process.  I've been hired many times because the dad felt he would faint and wanted his wife to still have support.  But dads are amazing support, and they step up to the challenge of labor and the fear of fainting disappears with the excitement of the birth!

A larger category of special needs families are the couple who had a traumatic first birth.  Over the years I've worked with many families with this background. Perhaps they went into their first birth experience, feeling ready, but then quickly felt all control/decisions were taken out of their hands and the result felt traumatic for them. Some of them ended up with many interventions, some ended up in surgery.  Some moms felt no one paid any attention to them or their needs and the dads felt useless. The couple felt helpless, and ultimately were in love with their baby but unhappy with the birth.

When the second baby was on its' way, they looked for help, a doula.  I think one of  the greatest benefits of a doula is a confidence in birth. We've seen birth hundreds of times work out beautifully.  They provide a support to  the couple that their voice matters.  So as they approach this next experience, they have a lot of  fear that the birth will be the same - but it never is the same!  This is a different baby, a different time of their lives, a different approach to the process.  Ultimately whether the birth results in interventions or even back to surgery, the couple feels they made good choices, that they participated in the process, that the feeling of the experience was different, better.

So if you are looking at a birth and feel you have special needs in the trust area - consider a doula.  Birth is such an amazing journey - my hope is that you have a great birth memory.

The Waiting Game

The excitement of discovering you are expecting is replaced usually be a few months of the "morning sickness", followed by several  months of energy and a growing belly, followed by the realization that labor will eventually come....Lastly it is the 9th month and for some reason this turns into a 9th year.  Especially when it is the first baby, days become months, hours become weeks. 

The phone calls increase - lots of family just checking on you.  Friends pass you and ask "when are you due" - strangers pass and ask "when are you due".  All this builds in you a watchful eye for every feeling you have.  And everyone expects you to be the expert on when your labor starts - and yet you feel so uncertain that you'll know.

Each night you secretly wish for labor to be delayed because you feel so tired - each morning is followed by disappointment that there are still no signs of labor.

Week 39 approaches and the fear that you might need an induction looms higher in your thoughts.  And now you are definitely sick of the "when are you due" question.  No one is satisfied with a reply that expresses a desire that the baby pick the due date if possible.  Sometimes not even you!  Thoughts go to "it would be nice if the baby came today" or "I hope the baby waits until the weekend".....

This waiting game can wear on you quickly.  Here are some suggestions:  Enjoy the time you have that allows you quiet movie watching, an afternoon nap, a quick trip to the store, an uninterrupted dinner with your husband.    These are the last days that you still have control of your time and energy.  Don't wish them away.

Schedule something that will nurture you - a pedicure, a massage, a lunch arrangement with friends.  See a movie you've wanted to see, visit a museum, read a book.  These are adventures that will not be available to you for awhile.

Put an updated message on your answering machine.  I had one friend who would give updates each day of his wife's progress in the pregnancy.  It was fun to call and just hear the update - and not disturb them.  Or a message that says "no baby yet - we'll let you know" answers their ever present question to you.

So enjoy your pregnancy, enjoy the 9th month, and hopefully feel great about the birth.  Babies are worth all this effort - be creative in playing the "waiting game". 

When Births Go Right!

I have worked with many families over the years who have a very specific vision of their birth - they have a strong desire to go unmedicated - they are wanting a certain doctor in the group - they don't want dad to be at work 4 hours away when the labor starts - their mom is arriving on a certain date and they want the baby to wait - their mom is arriving on a certain date and they want their baby to come early - etc, etc.

So when everything falls into place, it is such a joy to relive that birth over and over again.  The hazard of memory is that we can be imprinted with the good outcomes from a birth - or we can be imprinted with the bad issues on a birth.  I have always felt that a doula's role is partly to "reframe" the vision.  The fact is that in birth, as in life, there are ALWAYS goods and bads in the experience.  But what do we choose to focus on afterwards.  Isn't it better to keep your eyes on the highlights, rather than the low parts of an experience?  Especially since we live with birth memories for decades?

Recently I've worked with several first time families who achieved the birth goals they had envisioned.  They stayed home for most of the labor - they worked through the contractions well - they were able to go unmedicated which had been their particular goals.  It is so great to see a mom and dad after such a birth excitedly tell their friends/families how amazing the experience was.  Of course, I was at the birth also and there were definitely moments that were difficult but overall their vision is one of accomplishment and joy.  Isn't that how birth should be remembered?

I've worked with some families lately who chose to use an epidural.  They also excitedly tell their birth stories to their friends and families in glowing terms.  But once again - there were definitely low points during the process.   Those points, however, were momentary - whereas the good parts were foremost in their memory - and thus in their story.

What is the common denominator of such births - that go right for whatever their goals and choices were?  I think it is having a doula - who helps a family weigh their options - remind them of questions they might want to ask - guides them through the process so that they feel informed and part of the decisions.  Empowerment can come from different directions - and this can lead to a good experience.

So here's to the next birth that goes right - medicated or unmedicated - and at the end of the day, my hope is always that the family will tell their birth story with a smile on their face and happiness in their heart!