Birth memories can leave us with a smile on our face - or we could be left with a sense of trauma that we don't want to remember. I began this journey of supporting families through labor to help a family "re-frame" a birth. Since birth, like life, has ups and downs, how do we re-frame it?
During a labor, there are usually moments of frustration, concern, tears....when a family's memory highlights those moments, it can damage their birth memory. There are usually also moments of laughter, joy, excitement. Though these may be momentary (such as between a contraction), what if that is your overall memory of the birth. This feels valuable to me. We carry our birth memories the rest of our lives.
So I like to remind families of those light moments - even sharing in them during the birth. I have found over the years that moms are so powerful when working through labor - and dads are so supportive and concerned. Why not emphasize these characteristics? What if a couple who had to make very tough decisions during the birth, still came out of it with a sense that they made good decisions for this particular birth and this particular situation? Would that not "re-frame" their overall view of the outcome?
Birth memories are important - not as important as your healthy child in your arms - but important still. So if you want help in "re-framing" your birth, I hope you'll consider adding a doula to your birth team.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Friday, January 20, 2012
A Female Voice
I've always felt the most important support person in a room is the dad. But one thing they can't bring to the support is a "female voice".
Why does that seem so important? Moms in labor can feel very isolated and although they need reassurance and guidance, there are times when they need a female voice. Your husband saying "you'll be okay" does not have the same impact as a woman who has been through labor who says "you'll get through this - it'll be okay". Could be compared to you and your husband backpacking on your own into an isolated area - versus having a trained guide helping you navigate the path.
This does not discount the need for reassurance from the dad - not at all - but having a female voice can be that added support that helps a mom over the rough spots.
Does it matter who the female voice is? Henci Goer in "The Thinking Woman's Guide to A Better Birth" put up a comparison chart of labor support from a female relative or friend or a doula. One of her comparisons is that a female relative or friend "may have beliefs and experiences with labor that may color her behavior and bias her advice". However, a doula "knows you but the fact that you have no ongoing relationship means you don't have to perform for her or worry about what she might think of you." Also a doula "knows about labor, techniques to promote good progress, and comfort measures. She can help facilitate communication between you and your caregivers. She too provides a loving touch." Of course, some relatives or friends can provide great support, and a female voice. You know best who you want to provide support during this journey.
So when you are planning your birth team - give consideration to a female voice, along with your husband. And talk to other families who have added a doula to their birth team and listen to their experiences. Here's hoping the voices you hear in labor will guide you to a wonderful experience.
Why does that seem so important? Moms in labor can feel very isolated and although they need reassurance and guidance, there are times when they need a female voice. Your husband saying "you'll be okay" does not have the same impact as a woman who has been through labor who says "you'll get through this - it'll be okay". Could be compared to you and your husband backpacking on your own into an isolated area - versus having a trained guide helping you navigate the path.
This does not discount the need for reassurance from the dad - not at all - but having a female voice can be that added support that helps a mom over the rough spots.
Does it matter who the female voice is? Henci Goer in "The Thinking Woman's Guide to A Better Birth" put up a comparison chart of labor support from a female relative or friend or a doula. One of her comparisons is that a female relative or friend "may have beliefs and experiences with labor that may color her behavior and bias her advice". However, a doula "knows you but the fact that you have no ongoing relationship means you don't have to perform for her or worry about what she might think of you." Also a doula "knows about labor, techniques to promote good progress, and comfort measures. She can help facilitate communication between you and your caregivers. She too provides a loving touch." Of course, some relatives or friends can provide great support, and a female voice. You know best who you want to provide support during this journey.
So when you are planning your birth team - give consideration to a female voice, along with your husband. And talk to other families who have added a doula to their birth team and listen to their experiences. Here's hoping the voices you hear in labor will guide you to a wonderful experience.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Special Needs Births
When I say "special needs", I'm not talking about a physical or mental disability. It is a disability of trust.
Dads can feel that they'll be too queasy to make it through a birth process. I've been hired many times because the dad felt he would faint and wanted his wife to still have support. But dads are amazing support, and they step up to the challenge of labor and the fear of fainting disappears with the excitement of the birth!
A larger category of special needs families are the couple who had a traumatic first birth. Over the years I've worked with many families with this background. Perhaps they went into their first birth experience, feeling ready, but then quickly felt all control/decisions were taken out of their hands and the result felt traumatic for them. Some of them ended up with many interventions, some ended up in surgery. Some moms felt no one paid any attention to them or their needs and the dads felt useless. The couple felt helpless, and ultimately were in love with their baby but unhappy with the birth.
When the second baby was on its' way, they looked for help, a doula. I think one of the greatest benefits of a doula is a confidence in birth. We've seen birth hundreds of times work out beautifully. They provide a support to the couple that their voice matters. So as they approach this next experience, they have a lot of fear that the birth will be the same - but it never is the same! This is a different baby, a different time of their lives, a different approach to the process. Ultimately whether the birth results in interventions or even back to surgery, the couple feels they made good choices, that they participated in the process, that the feeling of the experience was different, better.
So if you are looking at a birth and feel you have special needs in the trust area - consider a doula. Birth is such an amazing journey - my hope is that you have a great birth memory.
Dads can feel that they'll be too queasy to make it through a birth process. I've been hired many times because the dad felt he would faint and wanted his wife to still have support. But dads are amazing support, and they step up to the challenge of labor and the fear of fainting disappears with the excitement of the birth!
A larger category of special needs families are the couple who had a traumatic first birth. Over the years I've worked with many families with this background. Perhaps they went into their first birth experience, feeling ready, but then quickly felt all control/decisions were taken out of their hands and the result felt traumatic for them. Some of them ended up with many interventions, some ended up in surgery. Some moms felt no one paid any attention to them or their needs and the dads felt useless. The couple felt helpless, and ultimately were in love with their baby but unhappy with the birth.
When the second baby was on its' way, they looked for help, a doula. I think one of the greatest benefits of a doula is a confidence in birth. We've seen birth hundreds of times work out beautifully. They provide a support to the couple that their voice matters. So as they approach this next experience, they have a lot of fear that the birth will be the same - but it never is the same! This is a different baby, a different time of their lives, a different approach to the process. Ultimately whether the birth results in interventions or even back to surgery, the couple feels they made good choices, that they participated in the process, that the feeling of the experience was different, better.
So if you are looking at a birth and feel you have special needs in the trust area - consider a doula. Birth is such an amazing journey - my hope is that you have a great birth memory.
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